Mike Thrash - No More Rainbows, Just Mayhem

No more Dan Delicious.

In a solemn ceremony, the bright pink tights that signified that Dan Delicious was in the ring and ready to humiliate all comers were placed in a trash bag after having been shredded. No longer will we be able to see cringing opponents and referees run away in horror at being inappropriately touched by the Man From San Francisco. Since being inducted into "The Fold" by the controversial "Former Sinner" Nick Virtue, Dan has been questioning his orientation, which had previously leaned precociously in the direction of hot pink and ribbons, but which now steers toward muted colors, a testosteronic attitude of hyper-aggression and mayhem.

In these days of gender confusion, there was never any confusion about Dan Delicious. Gay and proud, Dan rubbed his victims' face in the reality of the fact that for him as a wrestler, it wasn't about "pink," it was about domination in the ring. Once the shenanigans were over, Dan could overpower virtually anyone by sheer talent and strength. I saw him wrestle in Mossy Head against towering and vicious opponents who literally craved his blood. Dan just tore them up. He was a symbol of the "can do" spirit, capable of overcoming impossible odds, surviving death defying matches while never losing himself to mean-spiritedness.

Now introducing Mike Thrash. He's all wrestler, all man, all business, all at peace inside himself, he said in a pre-match promo. He proved this point by taking apart his former tag team partner from PWA days, Tyrone Holley, who came out to the ring in traditional pink, accompanied by a young man of unknown origin, who served as his valet (right).

Tyrone is one of our area's most versatile wrestlers, equally capable of dishing out uproarious comedy or deadly force, preferring the former, with such characters as Achy Breaky Kid, and Tyrone The Terrible, a lovably flamboyant heel character who is impossible to boo.

Together, Tyrone and Dan Delicious made up Culture Club, a tag team that stood against a tsunami of "straight" conventional wrestlers, some of whom took homophobia to an extreme, and some who were just nonplussed by such "in your face" outness that they could barely keep from cracking up.

During the April 18th Ultimate show, a very nice elderly Christian Lady came up to me and asked, referring to Tyrone's pinkness, "Does there really have to be all this gayness?" She was in genuine distress because she had her granddaughter with her.

"It's just wrong," she said unhappily, "just wrong." Then, she wandered back to her seat in time to see Mike Thrash, in a fit of reformist fury, dismantle poor Tyrone so thoroughly that we in the audience began to believe that we were going to have a hot pink cadaver on our hands. That seemed to satisfy the lady who undoubtedly went home happy that Dan was cured of his gayness and that Tyrone had been sufficiently punished for his sins.

Ultimate Wrestling scored like Michael Jorden on a good night at April 18th's Milton Massacre. The crowd topped two hundred, straining the SRCA under the load of so many happy wrestling fans. The Ultimate Cafe staff worked so hard to bring great food to the fans that they ended up popping circuit breakers. Onions for both hot dogs and hamburgers were both plentiful and fresh. I do so like that.

Some of my personal favorites wrestled and one of my all time favorites did not. Marcel Pringle stayed in the background, preferring to let the Dog River Boys shine on their own - which they did in spades. Rocket and Flexx took the Ultimate Legends to school in a flurry of youthful attempted assassination so intense, they could have been arrested for assault with intent to win. As it was, they did win, but the semi-main event in which they labored was, alas, a non-title bout.

Turbo Ted came out on a shiny chrome walker, a sure indication of his geriacity, but sported a sign saying "it's a rib" letting the audience in on the joke he was about to unleash on his opponent.

I am sure there will be better, more accurate descriptions of what happened in these and other matches online on the message boards, so suffice it to say that Ultimate's debut in Milton did much more than just squash ICON Wrestling's attempt to run head to head in the same town, same night. The show and its newly upgraded "production value" offered a taste of that elusive flavor of the "bigs" that is so much sought after, and seldom achieved.

From the freshness of the popcorn to the smile on Lady Devine behind her very own table, to Thrash's snarl, to Erick's piercing cry of "Barrrby Doll," it all felt like coming home again to PWA and OSW and XW-2000 shows of yesteryear, when stars performed, children laughed and played and Turbo Ted wandered through the post match crowd making sure everybody had had a good time.

Welcome to peerdom with greatness, Ultimate.