Chocolate Boy Wonder No More

One of the more entertaining fan favorites on an Ultimate Wrestling roster of very entertaining wrestlers has rejected the acclaim and affection he has accumulated since he began wrestling and decided to reject his role as a flamboyant entertainer in favor of heeldom and the dubious honor of being hated.

I say, BAH. Humbug!

Don't I have enough people leaning across the ropes leering at me, telling me that my town sucks, my trailer still has wheels on it and that I am a worthless, no good, cheap, toothless redneck whose pickup truck needs washing and who ought to be ashamed of himself for supporting goody-two-shoes babyfaces who never break the rules? It's bad enough when genuinely frightening wrestlers like Death Row or Joe Gibson turn in my general direction and with not-so subtle body language suggest that my days on earth are numbered in single digits if I or anyone I root for messes with them. Those guys are intimidating - like Amtrak headed for a gasoline truck at a railroad crossing intimidating.

Chocolate Boy Wonder, or as I now must refer to him, "The Wrestler Formerly Known as Chocolate Boy Wonder," is not intimidating at all. It's like being snarled at and called names by The Energizer Bunny.

OK. I know. It is fashionable for a successful babyface wrestler to turn heel and rain on everybody's parade, letting fans in on just how stupid they were for having rooted for him in the first place. But DANG, son! Can't they at least do it with a little style? And can't the newly reinvented Marcus Gibbs at least have presented the idea with a little panache, instead of phoning in the change in a weak promo with no rhyme, reason or clarification?

When confronted with all this controversey, Mr. Gibbes resorted to typical heel tactics by attacking me personally.

"How many promos did you ever cut Bob?" Marcus demands to know.

Well, in truth, as a fan, I am not required to cut promos. What would I promote? I can see it now.

"I am here to tell ya right now, brotha, that I don't like your evil ways-ah, and you need to get your heart right-ah and-ah come back into the fold-ah so that you can be worshiped as a chocolate GOD-ah."

There I would be on YOUtube, five hundred pounds of glorious fatness screaming into the microphone and wiping perspiration from my red face.

Marcus continues by lecturing me, "as a fan your not suppose to like what I had to say, but for you to get on a soap box an bash me ( with all this Indy rasslin psycho-babble ) before you even got to see what type of "villain" ..." but did not complete the sentence. You see. He can't even TYPE a heel promo. The seeds of good are planted too deeply in him.

You know what you get when you place ME on a SOAPBOX? Smushed soapbox.

Marcus concludes, " I would be is just foolish and reckless thinking on your part. You can’t plant seeds and expect it to be a jungle over night can you ? Put a hot dog in your mouth and enjoy the show, watch how it develops … or you can go to a wrestling school, train, cut a better promo and take my job … simple as that."

As has been well established in the past, an Ultimate Hot Dog, properly decked out with mustard, and onions on a fresh warm bun is quite a treat, as is watching an Ultimate show and watching how it develops. As for "going to wrestling school, training, cutting a better promo and taking his job" is concerned, I should probably point out that there are eager youngsters in training at Ultimate right now, any one of whom is champing at the bit to "take his job" so there is no pressure on me do do so, and why should I? What would it prove? Nothing.

50 years as a wrestling fan has placed me in the audience of some of the most bad-ass wrestling promotions in the USA. I've seen Pat Patterson, Andre The Giant, SGT Slaughter, Roddy Piper, Greg Valentine, Junkyard Dog and George The Animal Steele, just to name a few and in the small arenas of New England in 1980's WWF, where shaking a hand (or not) was a one in 500 deal because the crowds were smaller then than WWE crowds are now.

So there's no need to tell me that I don't know for a promo. Bobby Doll, Joe Gibson, BTY, Jon Ryker, Chris Tighe, Cameron Frost, Jerry Reiner, Death Row, Minotaur, Robert Gibson, Doink The Clown (Mobile) - THOSE guys cut promos. What Chocolate Boy Wonder cut on Saturday, July 18th was the cheese.

Observers and Pundits VS Promoters And Wrestlers - The Main Event

The main message board at www.gulfcoastwrestling.com is a tidal pool of comment, criticism, nostalgia and general graffiti. Good suggestions and spiked commentary designed to do little more than injure or main reside side by side with promos for the next big show and results of the last big show.

One of the more credible posters on this message board is "Norm."

Norm comes from a working (read that as wrestling) background. I do not recall the specifics of his wrestling resume' only that it exists. He is always upbeat in his commentary and seldom has a discouraging word to say - until now.

This morning, we heard from Norm, ending a conspicuous absence. Note: Norm will be in italic and my comments will follow in regular print.

Norm says: "I'm not normally one to give lots of unsolicited advice, but while attending an indy show last night (that will remain unnamed), a few things screamed out at me that I thought I should point out... "

Two things here immediately struck me. First was the truth of the statement that he seldom offers unsolicited advice. Like many former wrestlers, Norm is laid back and humble. He speaks when spoken to and usually offers comment within the context of a thread, rather than initiating one. Second was the use of the words "screamed out at me" to describe his reaction to the event that set him to typing.

Norm continues:

1. "When calling spots, a) lower your voice and b) try to conceal the movement of your lips. Last night while watching a match, I knew every move that was about to happen because I could hear the guy calling the match call the spots. And I was in the fourth row...in a crowded gymnasium."

Boy, howdy, is that the truth! The average fan probably is going to be less prone to notice this than someone smart to the work. But I also have noticed that local indy some wrestlers border on notorious in this regard. Now I am pretty much numb to it, because I see so much rookie work, but to Norm, a seasoned pro, it must be a lot like watching Shakespeare done with a South Mississippi accent.

Norm observes:

2. "If you're in a spot that obviously misses, don't just sell it anyway! If a guy throws a dropkick that misses by a mile, don't throw yourself over the top rope and don't bump! Act like you sidestepped it and then put the guy in a resthold. Talk it over, regroup, and try it again. Selling a move that misses badly is cheap, and trust me, fans see it."

So is Norm being hypercritical? No. There is a principle of wrestling that I call "kinetic realism" which actually means, if the physics are out of whack, the spot is blown. Norm's advice is professional and reasonable, but I would like to add, "Apply the laws of motion to whipping someone into a rope or a turnbuckle. Don't give him a little shove and have him run on his own to wherever his destination is. Unleash some energy. It's the difference between pro and backyard! Norm is right. We DO see it. And we hate it.

Norm offers:

3. "When booking a tag match, if you're going to cut off the ring, the guys cutting off the ring should be the heels, not the babies. Watching a heel get beat down and double teamed makes no sense and is no fun unless it's the early part of the match and you want to put the heels behind the eight ball early. But having the babies cut off the ring halfway into the match is anticlimactic and very, very poor for pacing."

I confess to not having a blue clue as to what "cutting off the ring" means. Studying the context of the comment suggests that it has something to do with beating the crap out of somebody or another, but it is unclear whet the term signifies. However, heel behavior in babyfaces muddies the water, unless there is a "fire with fire" consequence of a long brewing feud.

I gotta look up that term "cutting off the ring."

Norm goes on:

4. "Don't feel so compelled to tell so many cockamamie stories. Not every match has to involve the heel grabbing a microphone and droning on and on and on about some unrealistic, improbable chain of events. Not every match has to have some silly backstory. Just wrestle! Tell your story in the ring! "

Just once I would like to have a heel grab a microphone and tell the babyface, "I am going to beat the crap out of you because I don't like you or your grandmother or your Great Aunt Matilda in the nursing home who has Alzheimer’s and drools on a towel.

That's actually more logical than some of the stuff that is actually said.

5. "When you do make up a story, make it original. Don't just rip off some angle from an old episode of Raw."

That, I am afraid, is hopeless wishful thinking. The number of original thinkers in our area indy wrestling can be counted on the toes of a sloth.

6. "There is heat and then there is cheap heat. Learn the difference. Heels, stop trying to insult fans by insulting their city or by "forgetting" what city you're in. That is way, way, way overdone. It's done at least once in every indy show and it's cheap. A truly good heel can draw heat without ever touching the microphone."

There's an "amen" due to this statement. Probably close to the worst "heel turn" promos I have ever seen came last night at Ultimate (July 18). After a good (if kineticly unbelievable) match between Chocolate Boy Wonder and Michael Patrick, in which CBW prevailed, the guy stood there in the midst of appreciative applause and told those attending that he was "sick of the fans."

What?

CBW then proceeded to underwhelmingly cut an "I hate you" promo that was less believable than Chris Tighe in a rainbow dress expressing love for Mr. Fantasy.

This prompted one fan to comment that now that CBW had gone over to the "dark" side, would that make him "Dark Chocolate Boy Wonder?"

It was a laugh and a half, which was not CBW's intention at all. Oh well, practice makes perfect.

Norm is on a roll now:


7. "Promoters, take charge of your promotion. Don't run silly angles where the inmates rule the asylum. Don't let wrestlers "fire" your referee and demand someone else be the ref for their match. Don't let wrestlers book impromptu title matches. Don't let wrestlers "trade" titles, have someone else defend their title for them, or surrender their title to someone else."

What he said. Let's have some logic in storytelling. If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't entertain.

Norm says:

8. "Do NOT use a toy/replica title belt as your championship belt! Come on! It's better to not have a belt at all. And if you really must use a replica (and again, you shouldn't), at least have the brains to rub out or cover up the WWE logo. "

Wow.

What the hell show was he at last night?

9. "While on the subject of championships, don't have the title change hands every time you run a show. Having the title changing hands so frequently cheapens the notion of a champion. Tell the guys in the back to stop whining about not getting a title run. It's an act."

That's a little too 'inside" for me, but true nonetheless.

Norm's final word on the subject:

10. "Wrestlers, get in the gym! GET IN THE GYM! You have to look the part! Lift heavy 5 times a week! Get on the treadmill or the stair stepper and burn off your gut! Looking at your doughy gut is disgusting. And don't think wearing a t-shirt makes it OK. Promoters and bookers, do not book a guy if he's not in shape! I find it both hilarious and ridiculous at the same time when I hear guys talking about making it to the bigs when they have the physiques of the nerds in high school who always got picked last in P.E. and hung out at comic book stores."

How could I add to that?